I’m pretty much treating the next three days of work like I did the two days before Thanksgiving break in college. They can make me show up, but they can’t make me care.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Lykke Li - “Possibility”
So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - “Home”
Live on Late Night with David Letterman
Hopefully seeing this fine group of people on Friday!
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Kid Rock, Wasting Time
Kid Rock, for instance, is very pro-America and has common sense ideas.
— Sarah Palin, Going Rogue, page 300
Chris Brown is from Tappahannock, which a town twenty minutes from where I grew up. It’s “the closest town with a Wal-Mart,” to put into perspective for you. Anyway, a girl I went to high school with just posted a camera phone picture of her and Chris Brown in front of the Essex 5 Cinema, which is a tiny movie theater in a strip mall. It’s one of the funniest things I have seen all week.
Nerds.
A comment left on my previous post:
you should read the books before assuming New Moon thinks you’re stupid. It explains a lot. Like why Jacob and them only wear shorts and how they avoid ripping their clothes apart, and how awkward it is when they phase back and are naked. They are not magic and they dont stay intact. They actually tie their shorts to a lil ankle rope before they phase into wolves so that they can run with them.. in the movie it only shows them phasing when they dont have time or cant control it [anger]
You’re right! They tie their jorts to their ankles. That’s an air-tight explanation. (Ya burnt, Coates.)
But I’m mostly laughing at this:
Annicka: SPOILER ALERT
Annicka: those aren’t werewolves, retard
Annicka: they’re shape-shifters
![Last night I got real shitty and saw New Moon. Would you like to hear what I thought? Of course you’d like to hear what I thought. And there will be spoilers, obviously, but it’s your own fault for not seeing the most important film of 2009 on opening night. (Besides, you’ve read all of the books so you know what is going to happen already, nerd.)
Alright, let’s address the obvious first: I’m no WEREWOLF EXPERT, but simple logic tells me that when the average seventeen year old American Indian male transforms into a giant ten foot long wolf ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WILL BE RIPPED OFF. So, with that in mind, do you think I’m a fucking idiot, New Moon? Why the fuck is Taylor Lautner wearing JORTS in every scene? He should be nude, because that is how physics work in the world of people turning into wolves and back into people. I get that this franchise is “subverting genre rules and myths” and we’ve got vampires whose SKIN SPARKLE IN THE SUN, but I don’t see how the wolf guys somehow obtained magic jorts that stay intact. Bullshit!
Can we discuss the slight racism of this movie, particularly the fact that the earthy American Indian boys turn into MAJESTIC WOLVES? And then Alice Cullen, the vampire who has “visions” (which I’m guessing are ALWAYS WRONG, considering that they have been wrong in these two movies) refers to something smelling like a wet dog when she’s near Jacob Black? Did that not make anyone else uncomfortable?
Speaking of Alice Cullen: I’m so glad Natalie Imbruglia is getting work.
Now for plot (what little there was): Edward forces his family to leave the Pacific Northwest because he loves Bella too much to put her in danger of getting eaten by his foster vampire brother. Basically. That is essentially what happened. Then Bella gets real mopey and listens to a lot of Bon Iver and Grizzly Bear until she decides that she wants to ride motorcycles and put herself into danger so that Edward will come save her. It makes sense, considering every teenager is this emotionally manipulative while under the impression that they are more mature than anyone else.
While missing Edward like cRaZy, Bella falls for Jacob, the hunky kid next door with a bad weave and a talent for building motorcycles. But then he freaks out and aggressively threatens some other dude who is not important and disappears just like Edward! It turns out that he is a teen wolf, and he has to go hang out with other teen wolves in the woods, which serves as some sort of red tent for horny adolescent Native Americans who can’t control themselves while wolfing out.
Maybe this is my English degree flaring up again, but what is UP with these bizarre symbolic relationships? The werewolves are, basically, abusive husbands, but they’re so dreamy that the ladies just can’t help themselves but stay in love with them even when their men try to rip their faces off. It’s cool though - he can’t help it! It’s a curse! He really loves me!
Graham Greene (not that one), who played “Harry Clearwater” (I had to look that up on the IMDb page), was probably my favorite part and deserves his own bullet point. His subtle delivery of the unspoken line, “Werewolves? I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no werewolves” was the pinnacle of the film.
As with the first Twilight film, the majority of the story is stretched out into an hour and a half instead of an appropriate forty-five minutes. You know, we need an extended montage of Bella watching the seasons change set to NPR-approved indie rock, and then another montage of wolves chasing vampires in the woods and Bella base-jumping set to a dreamy Thom Yorke song written for the film.
It should also be noted that eighty percent of the post-production was spent digitally whitening Kristen Stewart’s eyeballs.
In a scene shorter than one in which Bella stares longingly at an empty cafeteria table, Alice comes to rescue Bella and take her to Italy because Edward is going to “expose himself” in the sun to some Italians in red cloaks who are holding a street festival commemorating the exile of vampires from the town, even though there are still powerful royal vampires there just hangin’ out and being vampire royalty, who will kill Edward if he “makes a spectacle out of himself.” This is all explained in about three lines delivered by Alice as she drives a canary yellow sports car through the Italian countryside, because the people who make these movies are really great at exposition.
We get to Italy and are reminded that, unfortunately, Robert Pattinson is in this movie, too, and, unfortunately, he’s going to start taking his shirt off, too, because Team Edward would be sad if they only got to see one “hunk” (there is only one in this movie, by the way, and he is not on Team Edward) without a shirt on.
DAKOTA FANNING! By the time this movie reached the hour and fifty minute mark I had already forgotten that Dakota Fanning was going to be in it. And then, basically, she showed Bella and Edward down a flight of stairs. The end. I mean, stuff happens after that in the sense that there’s a fight between Edward and the vampire version of Jaws from Moonraker, and then some talking and the faggy head royal vampire lets them go home, and the Cullens vote to let Bella change into a vampire despite Edward’s existential issues with it, and then he’s like, “Marry me!” and they’ll be two more of these fucking movies to deal with. But really, it all ended for me when Dakota Fanning’s least-forced line was, “This way [gestures this way].” Bummer, Dakota Fanning.
In conclusion: New Moon is just as stupid and hilarious as Twilight. It was a little bit more racist, a little bit more of a step-back for the ladies, and I still would not fuck Robert Pattinson if he landed on my dick. So, quite life-affirming!
(Previously: my reactions to Twilight.)](http://12.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kthbimdBn51qz7ztxo1_500.jpg)
Last night I got real shitty and saw New Moon. Would you like to hear what I thought? Of course you’d like to hear what I thought. And there will be spoilers, obviously, but it’s your own fault for not seeing the most important film of 2009 on opening night. (Besides, you’ve read all of the books so you know what is going to happen already, nerd.)
- Alright, let’s address the obvious first: I’m no WEREWOLF EXPERT, but simple logic tells me that when the average seventeen year old American Indian male transforms into a giant ten foot long wolf ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WILL BE RIPPED OFF. So, with that in mind, do you think I’m a fucking idiot, New Moon? Why the fuck is Taylor Lautner wearing JORTS in every scene? He should be nude, because that is how physics work in the world of people turning into wolves and back into people. I get that this franchise is “subverting genre rules and myths” and we’ve got vampires whose SKIN SPARKLE IN THE SUN, but I don’t see how the wolf guys somehow obtained magic jorts that stay intact. Bullshit!
- Can we discuss the slight racism of this movie, particularly the fact that the earthy American Indian boys turn into MAJESTIC WOLVES? And then Alice Cullen, the vampire who has “visions” (which I’m guessing are ALWAYS WRONG, considering that they have been wrong in these two movies) refers to something smelling like a wet dog when she’s near Jacob Black? Did that not make anyone else uncomfortable?
- Speaking of Alice Cullen: I’m so glad Natalie Imbruglia is getting work.
- Now for plot (what little there was): Edward forces his family to leave the Pacific Northwest because he loves Bella too much to put her in danger of getting eaten by his foster vampire brother. Basically. That is essentially what happened. Then Bella gets real mopey and listens to a lot of Bon Iver and Grizzly Bear until she decides that she wants to ride motorcycles and put herself into danger so that Edward will come save her. It makes sense, considering every teenager is this emotionally manipulative while under the impression that they are more mature than anyone else.
- While missing Edward like cRaZy, Bella falls for Jacob, the hunky kid next door with a bad weave and a talent for building motorcycles. But then he freaks out and aggressively threatens some other dude who is not important and disappears just like Edward! It turns out that he is a teen wolf, and he has to go hang out with other teen wolves in the woods, which serves as some sort of red tent for horny adolescent Native Americans who can’t control themselves while wolfing out.
- Maybe this is my English degree flaring up again, but what is UP with these bizarre symbolic relationships? The werewolves are, basically, abusive husbands, but they’re so dreamy that the ladies just can’t help themselves but stay in love with them even when their men try to rip their faces off. It’s cool though - he can’t help it! It’s a curse! He really loves me!
- Graham Greene (not that one), who played “Harry Clearwater” (I had to look that up on the IMDb page), was probably my favorite part and deserves his own bullet point. His subtle delivery of the unspoken line, “Werewolves? I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no werewolves” was the pinnacle of the film.
- As with the first Twilight film, the majority of the story is stretched out into an hour and a half instead of an appropriate forty-five minutes. You know, we need an extended montage of Bella watching the seasons change set to NPR-approved indie rock, and then another montage of wolves chasing vampires in the woods and Bella base-jumping set to a dreamy Thom Yorke song written for the film.
- It should also be noted that eighty percent of the post-production was spent digitally whitening Kristen Stewart’s eyeballs.
- In a scene shorter than one in which Bella stares longingly at an empty cafeteria table, Alice comes to rescue Bella and take her to Italy because Edward is going to “expose himself” in the sun to some Italians in red cloaks who are holding a street festival commemorating the exile of vampires from the town, even though there are still powerful royal vampires there just hangin’ out and being vampire royalty, who will kill Edward if he “makes a spectacle out of himself.” This is all explained in about three lines delivered by Alice as she drives a canary yellow sports car through the Italian countryside, because the people who make these movies are really great at exposition.
- We get to Italy and are reminded that, unfortunately, Robert Pattinson is in this movie, too, and, unfortunately, he’s going to start taking his shirt off, too, because Team Edward would be sad if they only got to see one “hunk” (there is only one in this movie, by the way, and he is not on Team Edward) without a shirt on.
- DAKOTA FANNING! By the time this movie reached the hour and fifty minute mark I had already forgotten that Dakota Fanning was going to be in it. And then, basically, she showed Bella and Edward down a flight of stairs. The end. I mean, stuff happens after that in the sense that there’s a fight between Edward and the vampire version of Jaws from Moonraker, and then some talking and the faggy head royal vampire lets them go home, and the Cullens vote to let Bella change into a vampire despite Edward’s existential issues with it, and then he’s like, “Marry me!” and they’ll be two more of these fucking movies to deal with. But really, it all ended for me when Dakota Fanning’s least-forced line was, “This way [gestures this way].” Bummer, Dakota Fanning.
- In conclusion: New Moon is just as stupid and hilarious as Twilight. It was a little bit more racist, a little bit more of a step-back for the ladies, and I still would not fuck Robert Pattinson if he landed on my dick. So, quite life-affirming!
(Previously: my reactions to Twilight.)
the way we cope
me: what are you gonna do when i go see twilight in chicago?
g: i’m gonna go to a bar and get drunk.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Fleetwood Mac - “Brown Eyes (Maulongated Version)”
At first I was like, “EW DO NOT REMIX TUSK IT IS PERFECT.” and then I was like, “OH. OK.”
(via oliviaisferosch:britticisms)
