The internet.
I woke up early on January 1 with the intense desire to vomit, not because I was hungover (even though I was, just a little bit), but I had a pulsing pain in my foot, the kind of pain that makes one say things like, “THIS IS THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.”
Let me take you seven hours in reverse: just after midnight I received a text message from a casual acquaintance that said, “I really want to get laid tonight.” Because I was at a house party with a bunch of people who would rather perform improv rather than offer me blow jobs, I immediately grabbed my things and said, “See ya! Gotta go!” to my friends. As I headed out the door, my wooden-soled boots slid across the top of the landing. I lost my balance and slipped down four wooden steps. I regained my composure, saluted my roommate (as she gave me a nervous look), and left the party to quickly walk four blocks in below-freezing Chicago weather to catch a cab just so I could have what turned out to be terrible, drunken sex just a few hours after proclaiming that my resolution for 2009 was “to not be so slutty.”
Minutes after waking up the following morning, I crawled down the hall to my friend’s bathroom in my underwear, praying that his roommates were still in their beds and that I could find something, anything, that would distract me from the pain of my twisted ankle. And after my “buddy” told me he had to go to work and left me in front of his building to fend for myself, I tried my best not to crawl on the unfamiliar sidewalk in Buena Park in frenzied need to find a major street on which I could catch a cab. Once I caught that cab, I told the driver my address and cried. I immediately had a realization that my desperation for 2008 to end had me convinced that my life would become instantly better upon the stroke of midnight on New Year’s.
All of 2008 was a real shit-hole, but it reached the breaking point in the last three weeks of the year. I was poor and underemployed, I had been dumped by my boyfriend, I was listening exclusively to Exile in Guvyille as I wrote a book proposal that I knew would not be accepted, and I went home for the first Christmas following the deaths of my father and grandfather. So, naturally, I was a little depressed, and I spent a week at home trying to finish the proposal. I replaced Guyville with Joni Mitchell’s Blue, which was not the most rational choice. Then, two nights before Christmas, I finally had a breakdown, and I got into a huge fight with my mother in which I told her that I was sure she resented me for being gay (because I had just come out that year and we had never really discussed it, ever!) and that I wanted to die. Merry Christmas!
Two nights after Christmas, when things had calmed down, my mother and I went to see a movie (Doubt, because OF COURSE we would go see DOUBT as a fun mother-and-son post-Christmas undertaking) and later dinner at the Olive Garden, where we finally had a heart-to-heart and sobbed onto our endless bread sticks and bottomless salads.
I spent New Year’s Day on my couch with my foot propped up on a stack of pillows and cushions. My roommate made me a plate of bacon, but I still thought that my life was awful and that the picture I took (shown above) a few days earlier was just representative of a foolish optimism that had, once again, proven to be false. It seemed like my poor luck in 2008 was already beginning to bleed into 2009, and I figured I had better brace myself for another twelve months of disappointment.
Well! Would it shock you if I told you that New Year’s Day was probably the worst day of my whole year? That I found 2009 to be not so miserable after all? I got a job, one that I don’t completely hate. I made a lot of new friends. I learned how to cook things that were not spaghetti or tacos. I grew a beard. Two of my best friends got married this year and I was lucky enough to attend both ceremonies. I moved into my own one-bedroom apartment and managed to not be completely lonely and depressed. I got into grad school! While a lot of people died or were unemployed this year, none of them were me or people close to me! (I know that’s a bit selfish or whatever, but: truth!) I can now listen to Blue without feeling any sort of negative, hurtful feeling.
Considering I got laid on the worst day of my year, I think it’s safe to say that there have been worse years.
2009 was Two Thousand and Mine.
Tyrone: OOOF! I think it’s gay that you use chatspeak and animals to say the things you mean on the internet!
LuLu: It’s an easy way to express the things I mean. Being sincere means being vulnerable. And also, there’s an informality to the whole process. Like, the internet and personal blogs is not where you go to make deep pronouncements that you expect others to take seriously. Or is it? Now that the authority of print is dissolving into the more fluid forms of online publishing maybe it’s as good a place as any to write things with conviction. But that can get a little earnest and boring? I will say the things I mean, of course, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have these adorable whiskers —- STOP PULLING ON THEM!! IT HURTS!!!!
Tyrone: tl;dr.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
The Pogues feat. Kristy MacColl - “Fairytale of New York”
Everyone’s favorite ironic Christmas song to use the word “faggot” as a lyric has been covered a few times! I hope more musicians get over the taboo of using the f-word in a holiday song and record their own versions. (I’m looking at you, Sufjan Stevens.)
Pilate - “Fairytale of New York” (My favorite version!)
Stars - “Fairytale of New York” (Snooze.)
The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir - “Fairytale of New York” (Another fairly straight-forward cover.)
Third Eye Blind - “Fairytale of New York” (hahahaha lol.)
5500:
Blu Cantrell - Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)
I had completely forgotten about this song until it ended up on Billboard’s one-hit wonders of the decade list. But, seriously, there is SO MUCH about this video that’s amazing. I think my favourite bit when Ms Cantrell’s posse do a little fists-in-the-air dance in the back seat. If you were in Blu’s crew, wouldn’t you?!
I’m an honorary member of Blu’s crew.
Today has been a great day! First of all, it’s my day off and I don’t have to leave the house to travel anywhere in this damn snow. And instead of being productive, I slept until 12:30! (I mean, it’s December. I feel the same way about 2009 the way I feel about my job every afternoon at 4:00.) AND THEN I just checked to see how much leave I have taken at work and it turns out that I have two sick days UNCLAIMED. Party in the USA, y’all.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
The Rolling Stones - “Tops”
Step on the ladder, toe in the pool
You’re such a natural you don’t need no acting school
Don’t need no casting couch or be a star in bed
Never, never, never let success go to you pretty head
How I Learned To Love You From So Far Away
kfan:
This is my new book. It is a collection of 21 stories about love & technology, and I am psyched to have finally finished it.
Details and ordering information for the print version are at whygodwhy.
Details on the Kindle version are at Amazon.
If you have a lit journal and are interested in review copies of this or my previous book, The Location Scout, just email me and we can hook it up.
Thank you!
Just ordered my copy!
Top Ten Albums of 2009 That Were Not Released in 2009:
10. The Afghan Whigs - Gentleman
9. Dinosaur Jr. - Where You Been
8. Laura Nyro - Eli and the Thirteenth Confession
7. The Rolling Stones - Tattoo You
6. Built to Spill - Keep It Like a Secret
5. Kate Bush - Hounds of Love
4. Hole - Live Through This
3. Joni Mitchell - Ladies of the Canyon
2. Elton John - Honky Chateau
1. Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
