There’s a guy on whom I had a massive crush, and I see him randomly about town. He’s the kind of person who wears ugly sweaters and hats in the winter, and my theory is that he wants the attention that comes with ironically wearing ugly clothes, which is, you know, something you do when you’re thirty, I guess. It’s a kind of pretension I can’t take: he’s what, a fake nerd? That does not exist. It’s like people (like me) who tell embarrassing stories and end them with, “OMG, I could have just died!” You could not just have died, because you wouldn’t be able to share your hilarious story. Get out of my face.

I was walking west on Belmont at the end of the night on Saturday looking for a cab, and I walked past the fellow in question, and he was wearing a giant swan costume. I’m talking giant in the sense that I could imagine him having trouble fitting through doorways. And the guy was chatting with other people, and the only thing I heard him say was, “I mean, is it too ridiculous?”

My new theory is that he used to be a fat kid.