I was very sad to leave London on Tuesday, and I was very grumpy and mopey on the trip back to Paris and Fontainebleau. It was probably a rare summer flare up of my self-diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder considering I hadn’t seen the sun in four days and my shoes were still wet from walking around in the rain. I had a lot on my mind—all of the things that I hoped to forget for a week in Europe, including work stress and romantic woes.
The idea that I couldn’t get away from those things really bothered me. I sat in the bed alone that night, crying. I hadn’t cried in a long time, and I was upset because I felt like I wasn’t enjoying my vacation, that there was something wrong with me that kept me from being genuinely happy in the moment. I am in France! What is wrong with me? And I was upset because I didn’t want to go back to New York, either, because checking in via the internet brought back all of those stressors, and it was frustrating that things and people thousands of miles away were able to make me sad.
I unfollowed everyone on Tumblr and closed Twitter, thankful that my smartphone would not work in Europe and I could be totally offline for most of the day. On Wednesday we drove to Versailles, and the sun was out and everything was beautiful. On Thursday we went to Paris, and it was warm and lovely and I sat at a cafe drinking rosé and watching people walk down the street. I was happier, but still frustrated that something felt off.
I got home yesterday afternoon, and against better judgment, I went to a party in Williamsburg last night. I was worried about it. I had felt like I had been gone forever, and I wasn’t too keen on showing up by myself. Of course, I immediately fell right back into place because everything was back to normal. I was happy, I chatted with friends, made new ones, avoided a couple of people, and it was perfect.
Even better: I woke up today feeling great. My room was not a total mess, the sun, while mostly hiding behind clouds, was still bringing in a lot of light through the window. It was peaceful and calm. I know I’ll have to get back into the swing of things (probably even tonight), but right now I am laying in my own bed in my home and it all feels OK and right.