Last summer I got this great pair of Keds slip-ons, and I wore them so much that not only did they stink SO BADLY (sorry, my feet sweat) but they were also falling apart. I couldn’t find any slip-ons for this summer, but I realized that all Keds are basically slip-ons if you take the laces off. So I ordered a new pair and they arrived yesterday, and they are cute as shit! But I put them on yesterday afternoon right before I left the office to go meet Jolie at Marshall Stack for our semi-regular meeting in which we drink happy hour-priced white wine and bitch about the things that make us mad on the internet. By the time I got there—roughly twenty minutes after putting my shoes on—I basically felt as if my shoes had filled with blood. The canvas is so hard that my heels felt as if I had given them a chemical peel. I was supposed to go to our weekly picnic but I couldn’t fathom the thought of walking from the F train to Brooklyn Bridge Park. (Andrew, the boyfriend—who I have not been able to prove is a real person, by the way, because of his lack of an internet presence which is, not surprisingly, refreshing—is on a crutch because of surgery, so we basically look like a (cute, I’m sure) pair of people who have just been through some weird accident.) Anyway, to bring this very interesting story to a close, I am now reduced to wearing socks for the first time in months and I’m not happy about it because they are really cramping my style. SUFFERING FOR FASHION, etc.